High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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