I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's just like the Real World with babies
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
