My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
