i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
