there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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