remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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