I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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