remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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