Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
