my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
