i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's official drugs can't kill me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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