Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I met the friendliest cop last night
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
