Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
