I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
