dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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