my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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