why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
