Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
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You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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