My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
