did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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