My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
