I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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