Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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