Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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