i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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