Too much gin, very little bucket
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
