She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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