VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
