My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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