Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
