he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
