dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
