I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
