Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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