And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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