mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
