sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
