I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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