This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
