I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
