Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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