I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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