Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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