so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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