Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm both gender and math confused
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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