I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
