Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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