I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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