watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
