I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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