If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
