I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
