my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
we should paint friendship bongs
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
