genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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