Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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