upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Omg I joined a choir last night...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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