The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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