We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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