Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
