this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
No subtext here. People are naked.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
