I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
