I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
