I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
